the psychological reasons why we miss our exes.

Why do I miss him?

In the beginning of the year, I broke up with someone that I fell madly in love with in a relatively short period of time - six months.

The end of the relationship was pretty up and down. We had really good days and really bad days. We broke up because of several reasons, but the main two involved communication issues and long distance.

Two months out though, I'm finding myself idealizing the relationship and idealizing him.

So much so, that I’ve needed to go back to text messages and re-read our fights and arguments to better understand and make sense of our breakup.

This article looks at the psychological reasons for why we pine for exes and seem to forget the bad.

Why it’s called a love “story”

I’m able to look back on the many people I've dated and know the exact narratives about why we broke up. I understand our love stories, and the reasons why they ended seem so clear in hindsight.

Yet, getting over someone and accepting a breakup usually takes me months to “read and retain”.

“Usually, my head understands right away while my heart does not.”

Then, it’s a lot of emotional work to release my ego from the situation and accept that it’s a lot more about their lives, than mine.

And time heals all.

Right now, I’m in that limbo spot trying to learn my latest lesson and missing a love that I haven’t fully processed yet.

reminiscing over old photos and texts

Lately, I haven’t had the self-control to stop myself from looking at old photos, videos, and text messages.

I found several conversations where I told my closest friends that I feel like, “I finally found my person” he’s literally “an angel and someone I’ve always wanted to date” and “I've never felt closer to someone.”

It's all probably true.

I did feel these feels in the first few months. It was uncanny how comfortable I was around him - like I had known him my entire life. My parents also LOVED him! They said similarly that they felt like they had been his in-laws for 20 years. It was all really weird how natural and great it was…until it wasn’t.

I'm remembering a lot of that kind of stuff, and forgetting a lot of our fights.

Forgetting the multiple nights I cried myself to sleep or didn’t hear from him…

It's easier to remember the good. But why?

why the middle part of our relationships are the most important

It's weird that you can always remember the beginning of a relationship so vividly. The first kiss, first phone call, or first time you told your best friend about them.

The end is also clear in my mind as it’s the closest reference point, but I can’t remember a lot of the middle - the brunt of our love affair.

The middle is where a lot of the crap happens that slowly breaks apart the relationship. Is my current idealization of my ex preventing me from remembering the realities of this chunk in time?

Unfortunately, due to a psychology term called the serial-position effect, I’m assuming our middle memories don’t go into our long-term memory banks. It’s why we forget.

But if that explains our thoughts… what about feelings? My head and heart are still not matching up.

Why do I keep going back to text messages for “clues” so I can better remember what led me to initiating this breakup in the first place?

A Dr. Tells us why we only remember the good

I wanted to look into the psychological reasons for why we languish in love.

I bought this book called Why Do I Do That? by psychologist Joseph Burgo. It does a deep dive into the psychological defense mechanisms and the hidden ways they shape our lives.

I recently read the chapter on “Idealization” to understand the source of my current unhealthy habit and so I can stop missing someone less.

The moral of the “story” is, we idealize people and experiences as a defense mechanism.

He explains, “In a way, it's a lie that we tell ourselves in order to ward off pain, idealization offers a simple solution to difficulties that unconsciously feel hopeless or too painful to confront.”

While I read this chapter, I realized that he was right about it being pretty hard to confront my pain and the “difficulties” that come with starting over.

being single in our 30’s

I'm 34, and I have daily (albeit unrealistic) fears of not finding someone again that I’ll get as close to or love so much.

Upon reading Dr. Burgo's book and reflecting, I feel more assured that it’s my brain choosing storylines that are less “scary”.

My idealization of him is my brain’s defense mechanism of going back to when it was good because it feels better. I’m skipping the real chapters happening now so I don’t have to be afraid about the future.

Thus, if I have a moment where I worry about my unknown future love life, my brains quickly rewires to an old “loving memory” to not deal with that anxiety.

I thought that was actually really interesting.

It seems so simple, but I’m idealizing this relationship because it feels easier to do than to move forward, be vulnerable, and put in the energy to meet someone else.

I’m hoping I can start practicing this new frame of mind when I catch myself going back into these dreamlike states about our love that wasn’t perfectly lovely.

thoughts can be equivalent to anti-depressants

Another interesting part of this chapter says that people turn to thoughts of deep romantic love (like the romantic love we see in the movies) as a kind of emotional anti-depressant.

We exaggerate what really happened.

“The search for idealized romantic love involves a longing to attain states of perfection, final solutions to all the difficulties, the end of pain and suffering.”

I think that makes a lot of sense that psychologically, it’s easier for your brain to process idealized romantic love and to choose that “solution” than to actually deal with the difficulties and realities of what actually happened.

why your attachment style plays a part

I believe attachment styles can also play a part in your longing for past loves, and the degree to which you do so.

If you don’t know what an attachment style is (AS), it’s our innate profile for how we act and react in relationships.

I’ve written an entire blog post on the cliff-notes here, but why I’m bringing it up is because your AS can increase longing feelings of old loves.

The avoidant AS in particular idealizes past romances in order to avoid current relationships and vulnerability. If you have this AS, then pining over an ex might be more prominent in your life and I’d also suggest reading the book Attached if you’re noticing this as a reoccurring pattern and want to get out of it.

summary

In summary, we ruminate and idealize past dating situations because it feels better to do so than accept our current realities.

Idealizing is an emotional drug to ward off pain, but if we know that it’s just our brain using a defense mechanism to buy temporary happiness, then we can hopefully stop ourselves from doing so.

I also want to say that I think it’s important to not beat yourself up about doing any of this!

It’s in our human nature and is an innate pattern in the human brain - which is exactly why there’s an entire book on it. :)

Hopefully, this has helped bring clarity if you ever find yourself in this situation and helps you keep moving forward. I know it has for me.

Please let me know if you have any comments or questions below.

P.s. Dr. Burgo also gets into the difference between infatuation vs. romantic love which is something I want to write about in the near future. Stay tuned!

Listen to the podcast here 👇